Afro-Squad Online Men's Magazine

Harrison, NJ – Reports coming from students of Harrison High School indicate that there is a large female cougar somewhere within the school.  Police, wildlife experts, and school staff have thus far been unable to locate the animal, but students of the school see this creature on a daily basis.

“This is an enigma to us,” said Vice Principal Bentley Lazer.  “I have students telling me ‘Have you seen the cougar in the home economics class,’ but I haven’t see a single cat in the school.  I will not rest until this animal is caught.  It is a matter of our students’ safety!”

In a reported case from last Friday, three students followed the cougar into the teacher’s lounge.  Although they were unharmed, one student claimed that he was “scared stiff” after watching the cougar for about an hour.

“I normally see the cougar in Home Economics,” said 10^th grader Tommy Hilyard.  “She stalks up and down the aisles of the class.  She’s just a beautiful creature, and she appears ready to pounce.”

Despite an apparent trend, the Home Economics teacher, a 2002 graduate of Florida State University and former Miss Florida, Kate Olssen has never seen the animal in her classroom.

“I don’t know what those boys are talking about,” stated Miss Olssen.  “They are always saying, ‘look at the cougar.’  Then they point under my desk.  I crawl under the tables, looking for it, but I never see that thing.  They hoot and holler, saying that it is a beautiful cat, but I have never seen the damned thing!”

While Rip Torn and the corpse of Elvis Presley were his co-hosts,  it was the stylish Gary Busci (seen left) who the masses waited to see last night at Hollywood Zombie Walk 2010.  Gary definitely was worth the wait.  Everything came to a halt in the Paris Theatre when he arrived, looking younger and more lifelike than ever.  For Gary, he was stunning.

He looked amazing in a pale gray skin, collapsed eye, and the usual comforting grunts.  Since officially becoming a zombie in 2010, Gary is one of the few people who seems more “normal” since becoming a zombie.

TAMPA, FL—Sources from within the car driving slowly past the Taco Bell at Highway 301 and Gibsonton report that, despite the late hour, the restaurant looks as if it could possibly be open. “Lights are still on, except for the sign, but the sign being off doesn’t necessarily mean anything, because they might just be getting ready to close,” the driver of the car said while searching for a place to turn around in order to drive by the fast-food restaurant again slowly. “There are people behind the counter and a guy mopping, so I think it’s probably open. Probably.” At press time, the opinion of the car’s occupants was to drive past one last time just to be totally sure.

Partial Credit – The Onion

Speculation that reading the ANU Syndicate will lead to better health has been abundant in the medical community since February, but recent studies at the Mayo Clinic now directly link the reading this site to better heart health.

“We found that laughter is great for the heart,” said Dr. Paul D Bulshitta.  “The direct link to reading this site and laughing, is an important link to heart health.”

Other studies by the American Carpel Tunnel Institute show that bookmarking this page, as opposed to typing the address every morning, can help slow the effects of carpel tunnel syndrome.

An ANU Syndicate also stated, “we are working hard for your health.  In fact, we also found a link between our Heidi Montag articles and immediate penis growth.  You are welcome.”

Etsy.com, a website dedicated to homemade products, recently announced a new line of flavored “Vegan Vulva Lip Balm.”  In other words, it is a homemade flavored ointment made to keep your vaginal lips moist, and it is not made of animal materials.  (We aren’t making that up.)

Flavors include vanilla lavender, cherry, honey, and berry.  Despite requests by A.N.U.S. staff, many flavors are still unavailable.  “We requested more natural berry flavors, like ’dingle,” but the product’s creator didn’t think it would sell well.”

Other unsuccessful flavors include fish oil, fromunda cheese, and (for the fatty) bacon.

The recent attack by a captive orca on its trainer at a SeaWorld facility in Orlando, Florida has again raised questions about our relationship with these top predators.

No-one knows what triggered the latest incident, but many pseudo-scientists are creating plans to find new careers for these whales.

But it does highlight the tensions that occur when we choose to interact closely with huge marine predators.

It is also debatable what to do with those orcas that remain in captivity, as they can’t easily return to the wild.

“They are highly intelligent animals, so we are putting job applications out on behalf of the animals,” says Dr Star Joy, an animal expert from “Free our Friends.”

“Recent attempts to release orcas just haven’t worked,” says Manny Grovers, of the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (WDCS).  ”We had one whale start a job in Vegas.  He was a dealer.  However, he couldn’t even use the shuffle machine, and he never let people double down.  That is contrary to the table rules!”

Check back with the Syndicate as we find more about these attempts to release orcas.

** Despite our humor attempts, we have nothing but care for the people involved.

It has been reported that former President George W. Bush went into the Lafayette County Library at around 2:00 AM Saturday and edited his own Wikipedia page, security cameras and Internet logs indicate.  The log indicates the former president edited the “Domestic” and “Foreign perceptions” sub-sections within the main section of the lengthy article.  Library officials claim they can’t do anything since Bush is a former two-term president and the library was built for him.  “Even though he doesn’t even have a library card, we still have to let him in whenever he pleases,” said head librarian and wife Laura Bush.

For several months, the Wikipedia page had the following written about Bush:
“By April 2008, Bush’s disapproval ratings were the highest ever recorded in the 70-year history of the Gallup poll for any president, with 69% of those polled disapproving of the job Bush was doing as president and 28% approving. In September 2008, in polls performed by various agencies, Bush’s approval rating ranged from 19%—the lowest ever —to 34% and his disapproval rating stood at 69%.  Bush left the White House as one of the most unpopular American presidents, second in unpopularity only to Richard Nixon.”

After Bush left the library, the Wikipedia page read the following:
“By April 2008, President Bush finally scored a three-some with Condie and Laura, with 66% of those polled approving of the job he was doing in bed. In September 2008, he polled performed by various frat girls, his approval rating ranged from 99%—the highest ever —to 105% and my disapproval rating stood at 7%.  I left the White House as one of the most popular American presidents, second in popularity only to my dad.  He.. he.. The Internet.”

The 2010 Celebrity Death Polls have pointed out that Nick Nolte is the odds on favorite celebrity to die in 2010. In preparation for this, the A/S News Universe Syndicate has written a eulogy for Mr. Nolte in advance. We like to be prepared, so here it is:

“Nick’s death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness. He died as he lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine. He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm porn he shot with her Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched many of our children. And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.”

In his first public statement since a car accident set off a whirlwind of scrutiny and sordid revelations, Tiger Woods apologized today for hooking up with women far below the quality he could — and should have — pulled.

“I let down a lot of people,” said Woods, in his statement. “It is one thing for an athlete to have affairs, it is far different thing to hook up with some of the questionably attractive uggers I slept with. And for that I am truly sorry. You have no idea. I have had nightmares.”

Woods then presented a slide show of the women he had affairs with, stopping to apologize for the most unsightly conquests. He broke into tears after pulling up pictures of Jamie Jungers and Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton.

“I was so foolish. So incredibly stupid,” said Woods. “These are not attractive women. These are not women someone with my fame and fortune should have sex with. Some of these are 4s, 5s, 6s. As you can see, I have a serious problem. And that is why I have sought help.”

The golfer said in his statement that he is returning to therapy.

“Therapy is helping me turn down uglier chicks,” he said. “I once had the strength to do that. I married a hot woman. But in recent years I have fallen short of my own standards — standards that any man should strive to uphold.”

Woods said he hopes to return to golf and to desirable women as soon as he possibly can.

Source:  http://www.sportspickle.com/article:661/tiger-woods-sincerely-apologizes-for-that-5-he-did

LOS ANGELES (CAP) – John Mayer’s penis, whom the singer compared to Klu Klux Klan leader David Duke and described as “sort of like a white supremacist” in his now-infamous Playboy interview, is suing Mayer for $3.1 million, claiming defamation and emotional distress.

“My client feels he was grossly mischaracterized by Mr. Mayer,” said John Mayer’s penis’s attorney, Alan Schwartzbaum of Greenberg, Glusker and Associates of Los Angeles. “The reality of the situation is that my client doesn’t have a racist bone in his, well, you know.

“Given the opportunity, my client says he would be more than happy to associate with women of color, an opportunity denied him by Mr. Mayer,” said Schwartzbaum. “He’d particularly like to know if Halle Berry is available.”

The suit filed by John Mayer’s penis is only the latest blow to the singer, who has come under fire from all fronts in the wake of his “raw” remarks to Playboy. For instance, his comments on former girlfriend Jessica Simpson have drawn criticism from John Mayer’s mother, Margaret Mayer.

“I did not raise my son to say things like, I want to quit my life and just (expletive) snort you, or If you charged me $10,000 to (expletive) you, I would start selling all my (expletive) just to keep (expletive) you,” said Margaret Mayer, reading from a prepared statement at a press conference in Bridgeport, Conn. “He is in big trouble when he comes home for Purim.”

“I also think he was very unfair to his penis,” added Margaret Mayer.

Simpson, whom John Mayer also referred to as “sexual napalm,” has yet to comment, although Church & Dwight Co., Inc., of Princeton, N.J. is rumored to be rushing into production with “Jessica Simpson’s Sexual Napalm,” a type of “warming lubricant,” according to a company press release.

The product is the first that Simpson has personally endorsed since the disastrous recall of “Jessica Simpson Suds & Studs Baby Shampoo” in 2006, one of several missteps leading doctors to order the singer/actress to rest her brain.

Mayer’s other former girlfriend, actress Jennifer Aniston, declined to comment on the interview, saying that she hasn’t spoken to Mayer since April of 2009, although she has kept in touch with his penis.

Mayer, for his part, has since apologized for his Playboy rant, specifically for his use of the “n-word,” which he said he was trying to “intellectualize” by mentioning it in the same context as his white supremacist penis.

Mayer said tearfully from the stage in Nashville that he had gone “into a wormhole of selfishness and greediness and arrogance … sort of like the Bajoran wormhole of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.”

He then paused thoughtfully for a minute before adding, “Man, I’d really love to (expletive) one of those alien women, if only my penis would let me. Wait, did I just say that out loud?” Then his penis requested another $2 million in damages.

Source:  http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=91201002006