Afro-Squad Online Men's Magazine

I forget where I found this, but it is totally awesome! 

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Not since the mid 1970s has a more controversial picture of Bigfoot hit the Internet.  (Yeah, we know.  The Internet wasn’t nearly as popular in the 70s.)

ANUS reporters took this picture of Paris Hilton on Friday on her way to the Mtv Movie Awards.  Although reports initially determined that she was merely dating a bearded Brat Pitt, it has not been determined that she is actually dating a full grown male Bigfoot of west North Dakota.

“He’s just so fantastic,” stated Hilton.  “I just love him so much.  He is so much more polite than Jason Shaw was to me.”

When asked about Paris, Bigfoot just walked away into the woods.

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After years of being unshaven and angry, it appears that the Fox network is attempting to do Yeti makeovers.

In January 2010, Fox executives captured a 6’8” 450 pound male Yeti.  After subjecting him to a series of secret videos, and making him stand in a six-sided body mirror, they convinced Yeti that he needed a makeover.

“We offered Yeti a $2,000 spending limit to hit the stores on New York,” said Bill Smith, an executive with the show.  “We gave him a haircut, tattoos, and tried to fit him size 20 Steve Madisons.”

In a big unveiling to his family the Yeti stated, “Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!”

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“Slow the fuck down!  This is a school zone.”

I took this picture in Orlando, FL.  I would like to file it under, “funny crap that teenagers do.”

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Washington – After the US military announced they would start overturning the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many gays are pushing hard for continual probing of top military officials, over allegations of anti-gay sentiment.

“We have been wanting to probe these men for years, but we just couldn’t get in the front door because of all the restrictions,” said Dr. Hanz Meuller, leader of Gay Activates Yearly.  “This is a great opportunity for us to enter through the back door and really get deep into this.  I won’t rest until we are knee deep in there!!!”

After announcing they will begin to change the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many in Washington are starting to question what policy will be adopted.  Leading military officials are leaning to a “Don’t Tell, I Already Know” policy, where gays just act in an over manner so they don’t have to tell.  Others are pushing for a “Go Ahead and Tell, But I Feel Awkward While Listening” policy.  Many gays prefer the “You Can Ask, But I Am Not Going To Tell Because My Dad Wouldn’t Approve.  That Is Why He Made Me Join The Military” policy.

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A draft contract containing details about Sarah Palin’s speaking fee and requirements was obtained by California State University, Stanislaus, students who claim they found the document in a Dumpster. Here are some of her demands: 

• Hotel room must have a “moose couture” styling to it
• Most recent copy of all newspapers
• Children’s caretaker must be of Korean ethnicity or higher
• 50-gallon aquarium containing a minimum of eight piranhas that haven’t been fed in a week and a bucket of ducks
• If the name of the speaking venue exceeds four syllables, then it must be temporarily changed to “Thompson Hall”
• Book of word searches and package of string cheese for Todd
• Extra red clothing just in case something happens to her other red clothing
• Audio engineer must ensure speakers are capturing full cuntiness of voice
• Dressing-room lighting fixtures must be equipped with non-efficient bulbs
• Palin must have “five (5) black pillar candles of 13″ in length and 3″ in circumference, one (1) stone altar of Baphomet, one (1) obsidian dagger, and one (1) baby delivered to her dressing area no less than two hours prior to her speech”

Source:  The Onion.

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“Please come join me in the biggest party the Gulf has ever seen!  We’ll have beer, oil, girls, and methane!”  That’s what a sign read that was posted on the seaside pillar of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig.  Now deep sea divers are uncovering the remnants of 60 tons of steel at the bottom of the ocean.  People are calling it “one bad assed party” gone wrong.   

Officials in Washington DC blame the Mulletmaster (AKA Ron Gamine) for the event that has caused a disaster of biblical proportions.  Gamine, a henchmen of the Man, was last seen fornicating in the “drilling room.”  His last known Twitter post stated, “I wonder what will happen if I push this ’self destruct’ button.”  That was posted just minutes before a fire broke out on the BP leased rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

BP has stated that they regret installing the self destruct button, and should have put it in a less obvious place. 

“We had the button next to the light switch in the cafeteria.  We figured if we marked it “do not push,” then there was enough safeguards in place.     

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Is anyone surprised that there are new cheating rumors about Scott Disick, the father of Kourtney Kardashian’s baby (we think) and her on-again, off-again boyfriend? According to In Touch, Scott was caught doing some naughty texting on the side.

Rumors are circulating that Kourtney’s camp set this up to get her some attention and sympathy post-baby, but that’s not necessarily true…. although I feel it’s just as likely as Scott Disick having suspicious goings-on with other ladies behind Kourtney’s back. The guy has cheater-face, and if you ever saw KUWTK, you probably caught his past cheating drama, and the subsequent break-up.

If you’ve been following Kourtney’s drama whirlwind, it was suggested that Scott’s baby was not actually his own, because Kourt had a one-night stand with Michael Girgenti, who said “We didn’t use any protection – she didn’t ask me about it, and I was too caught up in the moment to think about it” when talking about the fling.

We’ll have to wait and see if things unfold any further in the paternity test issue, because Scott’s said to have spoken to In Touch about it in an exclusive interview. It couldn’t have been a very long interview, because it barely made the cover, but it’s most likely a statement reiterating that Mason is indeed his.

Are you surprised that Scott’s rumored to have cheated? (Anyone… anyone?) I’m definitely looking into the baby daddy angle again. It seems like the Kardashians are avoiding this part of the drama, which makes it more suspicious.

http://www.limelife.com/blog-entry/Kourtney-Kardashians-Boyfriend-Cheats-Again/34484.html

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The Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate would like to thank the proud members of the Afro-Squad Army for all their sacrifices in the their efforts to stop the Man.  Pictured left are the grandparents of Squad members Jordi Scrubbings, SnowMan Jones, Rated R Afro-Star, Afa, and KrazyMan.  These brave individuals fought in Iwo Jima back in in 1945, when the Man tried to take over China and much of Asia.

The Afro-Squad had just liberated Europe from the Man.  Here is to you, our liberators from evil.

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Sexy Afro-Squad fan XO was another victim in the series of dirty sanchezes.  This occurrance happened late in the evening on 24 March 2010.

“I was relaxing at home when it happened,” said the victim.  “All was well, then I realized something was fishy.  As it turned out, it was the finger of this criminal mastermind.”

The Brown Bandit has been linked to a trail of sanchez related activities.  This includes a stinky sanchez, at least eight recorded dirty sanchez occurrences, a filthy sanchez, several donky punches, and at least one ghetto finger!

Please check back regularly as we solve this case!!!

(This is one of a series of Sanchez News Articles on http://afrosquad.wordpress.com.  Check them out!

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