Afro-Squad Online Men's Magazine

In an effort to minimize impact on their customers, and to accommodate growth, the zip code 33929 will now be assigned to Kim Kardashian’s ass.

The 33929 code will be slowly integrated to minimize confusion and service disruptions for the thousands of customers that use Kardashian’s ass.

Some, however, are not so keen on the new change.

“It is all just so vast and confusing. We need structure,” said one New Yorker.

“You running out of numbers, you running out of tokens, you running out of subways, you running out of jobs,” said another New Yorker. “The only thing we ain’t running out of is Kim’s ass.”

Service providers will begin customer education mid-year to prepare for the new code.

Popularity: 14% [?]

So I was reading the SkyMall magazine the other day.  You know, that little mag that is in your seat on any domestic flight.  I always laugh at the bullshit products that they sell, but this is my new favorite of all time.

Take a look at the “logo.”  They clearly tried to steal the Nike Swoosh, but they redesigned it a bit.  Unfortunately, nobody at quality control realized that their rip-off logo looks a lot like a single sperm.  Yes sir, this is the shoe you want… if you want to show the world that you have sperm on your feet.

The various color sperm also leaves a lot of room for jokes, but my favorite part is the possibilities for various slogans!  Nike has “Just do it.”  These shoes’ slogan should be “Just did it.”  They could also play up the fact that you will be “coming quicker than ever” in these fast new shoes.

I’d finally like to point out the little picture of the business man with rocket flames coming out of his feet.  Of course, all business men wear cum covered flaming rocket sneakers.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Not since the mid 1970s has a more controversial picture of Bigfoot hit the Internet.  (Yeah, we know.  The Internet wasn’t nearly as popular in the 70s.)

ANUS reporters took this picture of Paris Hilton on Friday on her way to the Mtv Movie Awards.  Although reports initially determined that she was merely dating a bearded Brat Pitt, it has not been determined that she is actually dating a full grown male Bigfoot of west North Dakota.

“He’s just so fantastic,” stated Hilton.  “I just love him so much.  He is so much more polite than Jason Shaw was to me.”

When asked about Paris, Bigfoot just walked away into the woods.

Popularity: 17% [?]

After years of being unshaven and angry, it appears that the Fox network is attempting to do Yeti makeovers.

In January 2010, Fox executives captured a 6’8” 450 pound male Yeti.  After subjecting him to a series of secret videos, and making him stand in a six-sided body mirror, they convinced Yeti that he needed a makeover.

“We offered Yeti a $2,000 spending limit to hit the stores on New York,” said Bill Smith, an executive with the show.  “We gave him a haircut, tattoos, and tried to fit him size 20 Steve Madisons.”

In a big unveiling to his family the Yeti stated, “Uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!”

Popularity: 7% [?]

After weeks of online research at websites like www.fat-nude-senators.com and www.ugly-presidential-candidates.gov, the Afro-Squad came across this picture (not literally).  After hours of puking and three suicide attempts, the staff of Afro-Squad.com has confirmed that this photo is real… real disgusting, that is. 

Popularity: 8% [?]

Would you expect anything less from the executives at Fox?  We guessed not! 

This afternoon, the producers of American Idol announced that Fox Broadcasting plans on bringing in the zombie corpse of former American Idol judge Paula Abdul to replace Simon Cowell when he leaves the show.  They explained how her recent departure from prime time was only due to a slight bout with death, and that she is “as capable as ever” as a brain dead flesh eating night stalker. 

“We feel this is a big win for the folks at Fox,” said a network executive.  “Despite years of relative incoherant blathering, Paula has always been America’s favorite judge.  I don’t think that America will even notice that she is a drooling flesh-eating zombie.  It is hard to even notice a difference.”

Executives continued to explain that the contestants have nothing to fear from the brain-loving ex-cheerleader.  They stated in a press release late on Thursday that “our contestants don’t even have brains.  Besides, who is better to participate in Fox’s brain numbing programming than Zombie Paula?  No other body will do.”  

Popularity: 23% [?]

We know everyone has been inside one before, but why not own one?

Popularity: 7% [?]

Washington – After the US military announced they would start overturning the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many gays are pushing hard for continual probing of top military officials, over allegations of anti-gay sentiment.

“We have been wanting to probe these men for years, but we just couldn’t get in the front door because of all the restrictions,” said Dr. Hanz Meuller, leader of Gay Activates Yearly.  “This is a great opportunity for us to enter through the back door and really get deep into this.  I won’t rest until we are knee deep in there!!!”

After announcing they will begin to change the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, many in Washington are starting to question what policy will be adopted.  Leading military officials are leaning to a “Don’t Tell, I Already Know” policy, where gays just act in an over manner so they don’t have to tell.  Others are pushing for a “Go Ahead and Tell, But I Feel Awkward While Listening” policy.  Many gays prefer the “You Can Ask, But I Am Not Going To Tell Because My Dad Wouldn’t Approve.  That Is Why He Made Me Join The Military” policy.

Popularity: 7% [?]

One tabloid out there is wondering if a secret air marshal has blown his cover by talking to his seatmate, Kim Kardashian.

According to the latest in the ******* tabloid that will be released in a couple of days, as they are going back over the whole affair to confirm the facts, here is roughly what happened:

‘Ms. Kardashian discovered that a fellow passenger sitting beside her on her plane was a secret air marshal. She stated that he had told her so, but to keep it quiet. He also stated that he knew who she was and that she wasn’t any danger to the plane.’

“He got really close so he could whisper into my ear. Then he told me that he was Captain Winky. Now I don’t want to get him into trouble or anything”, stated Kardashian, “but what if he told a terrorist on another plane? I’d feel responsible for not calling attention to this incident.”

Apparently Kim called police right after she arrived back in New York and also told airport security all that had happened.

“Those silly idiots. No wonder the terrorists get on the planes with bombs in their shoes and drawers and up their ass. I’m not telling another airport security person or policeman.”

She stated that they listened closely and asked questions all the way up to her mentioning his name was “Captain Winky”. After that they lost interest.

“But I wanted to tell my story so that other innocent people don’t fall prey to the terrorists or this Captain Winky.”

Source:  http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s4i69231

Popularity: 6% [?]

A draft contract containing details about Sarah Palin’s speaking fee and requirements was obtained by California State University, Stanislaus, students who claim they found the document in a Dumpster. Here are some of her demands: 

• Hotel room must have a “moose couture” styling to it
• Most recent copy of all newspapers
• Children’s caretaker must be of Korean ethnicity or higher
• 50-gallon aquarium containing a minimum of eight piranhas that haven’t been fed in a week and a bucket of ducks
• If the name of the speaking venue exceeds four syllables, then it must be temporarily changed to “Thompson Hall”
• Book of word searches and package of string cheese for Todd
• Extra red clothing just in case something happens to her other red clothing
• Audio engineer must ensure speakers are capturing full cuntiness of voice
• Dressing-room lighting fixtures must be equipped with non-efficient bulbs
• Palin must have “five (5) black pillar candles of 13″ in length and 3″ in circumference, one (1) stone altar of Baphomet, one (1) obsidian dagger, and one (1) baby delivered to her dressing area no less than two hours prior to her speech”

Source:  The Onion.

Popularity: 7% [?]