Afro-Squad Online Men's Magazine

Heidi Montag recently had ten cosmetic surgical operations.  However, many people are saying that she looks worse after all the surgery.  A particular item of discussion is that many people say that her lips look worse since the surgery.  We’ve interviewed both Heidi and her lips, and we’ll let them give their opinions.

Heidi:  “I think people expect you to look perfect.  I had several botox and fat injections, which I think make my lips look more full.  In fact, I think they look great!”

Heidi’s lips:  “Leave us the fuck alone, bitch!”  

Refugees were welcomed to the United States after a natural disaster leveled their country.  However, many refugees were not impressed with their new residence in the “land of opportunity.” 

“We got off the boat and were welcomed to the Port of New Orleans (left),” said one impoverished refugee.  “Upon arrival, half of us were bused to Detroit.  The others were allowed to find harbor in post Hurricane Katrina urban settlement camps.  Quite frankly, it was better at home.”  

It isn’t all doom and gloom for the refugees.  The Mayor of New Orleans has pledged to find a more comfortable location for them.  In fact, sources close to the A/S News Universe Syndicate state that he has almost reached a deal for emergency shelter at the Louisiana Superdome.  In Michigan, the refugees are already finding haven in the Pontiac Silverdome.  The refugees have already assembled a football team in Pontiac that has gone undefeated in scrimmages with the Detroit Lions.  It should be noted that based on unfortunate economic conditions in Michigan, many Detroiters are lining up with the intent of moving to Canada to improve their current status living.

“When someone told me to try one of those other psychic clubs, I said, ‘What are you talking about?’” Coleman said in a nationally televised announcement which aired at 3 a.m. on CBS. ” The Psychic Friends Network told me something bad was going to happen, then nine years later… I was in jail for domestic!”

Coleman, who portrayed Arnold Jackson on TV’s Diff’rent Strokesfrom 1978 to 1985, had until Monday remained silent on the subject of which service offers the best psychic advice. The long-awaited endorsement has sent shockwaves through the $2 billion psychic industry.

Saying that he doesn’t want to take part in American Idol, Simon Cowell announced he will step down from the program.  What do you think?

KrazyMan
Afro-Squad Pimp

“Faced with a struggling network, some might have gone with a long-term solution of cultivating talent and developing groundbreaking programming, but Simon found a quick and superficial answer that involved a shockingly small amount of thought and effort.  Great idea.”

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Shanghai Pete
Evil Henchman

“Of all the evil jerks on Fox, he was my favorite.”

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Whitey
Afro-Squad Stuntman

“We really need to get our priorities straight.  With Conan, Jay, and Simon leaving TV, we really need to consider paying these guys more.”

In the wake of continued controversy over the nutritional value of its food, the McDonald empire was hit with another piece of bad news.  Former CBS news icon Dan Rather unveiled documents that indicate that McDonalds mascot Ronald McDonald never graduated from clown college. 

 “I know I lost my job over the whole George Bush National Guard thing, but this time I am really on to something,” said 24-year news veteran Dan Rather.  “This is the big break I have been looking for.  This should gain back my legitimacy as a news broadcaster.” 

Rather points to the existence of memos that document McDonald’s affairs.  The memos, allegedly written in 1972 and 1973, were obtained by CBS News producer Mary Mapes and freelance journalist Michael Smith, from the Hamburgler, a former nemesis of Ronald McDonald.  Mapes and Dan Rather, among many other journalists, have been investigating this story for several years.  The story is that the clown allegedly failed to fulfill his obligations at Ringley Brothers (Barnum and Bailey) Clown College. 

Rather stated, “my sources tell me that Ronald used clown college to avoid service in Vietnam.  He then went AWOL, getting high with the Fry Guys and binging with Grimace.  In his later years, his McDonalds administration lied, deceived or committed outright fraud about every single point they used to justify invading Burger King.  They did everything they could in efforts to dethrone the King.”

“We really should have thought this out a bit more,”  said Afrosquad’s lead reported the SnowMan.  “Had I realized the acronym for Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate spelled ANUS, I would have never paid to put the sign on our new building.” 

After christening the ANUS building, the Afrosquad celebrated long into the evening.  With over 3,000 people in and out of the ANUS last night, the Squad feels like they have really broken in the new building. 

“The name is a bit awkward, but when you consider how shitty other news syndicates are, it really seems appropriate,” said Afrosquad’s KrazyMan.  “Despite our pleasure, this really stinks.”  

The ANUS started small, with just a few people in it.  However, the hopes are that the ANUS will keep growing for years to come. 

“After last night’s blow out, this thing really feels right.  It is amazing how wrecked this place got though.  We better call a cleanup crew.”

ST LOUIS—Former St. Louis Cardinals home run king, and long time liar Mark McGwire came clean Monday, stating “No shit.  Of course I did steroids.  What?  Did you think my head grew four hat sizes on its own?  Who wants to fight?”  He then added, “McGuire rules, bitch!” 

“I totally regret using steroids,” McGuire said during an hour-long interview with the MLB Network’s Bob Costas. “PSYCHE!  That juice shit is awesome.  One time, I choked out a live anaconda, arm wrestled a bear, and still when three for four against Clemens.  Do you know how cool it is to be me?  That’s right, I made $300 million in the past 10 years.  What has your straight edge living earned you, Costas?”

McGuire continued the interview with several references to Bob Costas’ mother then went on to hump a Coke machine.  He concluded with, “and kids, don’t do drugs.”

The Afrosquad News Universe Syndicate received a report that a robot company is releasing the first fully functional female robot.  It will be complete with the ability to talk, love, perform sexual relations, and smile. 

Each robot is completely customizable, and each one will come with four different preprogrammed personalities. 

Afro-Squad’s SnowMan stated, “Four personalities!  Wow it really is like a real woman!”

Mo’Nique won a Golden Globe for best supporting actress for her dramatic role as an abusive mum in the movie Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’, by Sapphire.

She was photographed lifting up her skirt and showing off her hairy legs as she made her way to the ceremony at the Beverly Hilton Hotel.

The image has been circulated by gossip websites, with many commentators saying the 42-year-old’s display was inappropriate.

The Afro-Squad News Syndicate was the first to break display this picture. Apparently she has a black carpet, so we are not sure why they are calling it a red carpet display.

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