Kid Gets Detention For Being Awesome
by admin on Mar.10, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire
Dalton, please call us. We need more writers. Thank you for your awesomeness.
Geno Auriemma pads win total against another women’s team
by admin on Mar.10, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire, Wrestling and Sports
Geno Auriemma’s UConn Huskies won their 71st game in a row Monday night, establishing a new NCAA record. But the fact that the victory came against a women’s team did little to silence the program’s many critics. “I’m not sure what more we can do,” said Auriemma. “We can only play the teams that are on our schedule.” But a close examination of the 71-game streak shows that every one of UConn’s opponents has been a women’s team. In fact, Auriemma hasn’t defeated a men’s team — of any caliber — in his entire career coaching career. “Hey, congrats to Geno,” said UConn men’s head coach Jim Calhoun. “But all 14 of the losses my team has had this year we can be proud of. At least we are challenging ourselves.”
Source – SportsPickle.com
Papa Smurf Charged with Abandonment
by admin on Mar.09, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire
SMURF VILLIAGE, (UPI) — A phony little blue man and pseudo wizard is one of the biggest deadbeat dads in the forest, The Brainy News reported Monday.
Papa Smurf, 63, a former mental patient who legally changed his name to Prince Big Daddy Pimpy Smurf von Habsburg Lothringen and calls himself the King of Smurf Village, is wanted by family court authorities in Smurf County, SM., for the non-payment of more than $500,000 to his abandoned family.
The News said Meyers left his family in late 2003, as his wife was in the hospital giving birth to their 800th son, Jokey. His arrest record includes Smurf trafficking and check Smurfing charges, but also years of work as a Gargamel informant who was instrumental in delivering several big potions.
“I hate Papa Smurf,” said son Grouchy Smurf, whom the News said has pursued the “Papa” to no effect. “He’s got like a thousand kids. He sits there making deals with Gargamel, while we live in Mushrooms. Yeah, we live in fucking mushrooms. What kind of Dad lets his kids live in mushrooms? FUCKING MUSHROOMS!!!”
Something New from the ANU Syndicate (ANUS) Every Single Day
by admin on Mar.08, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire, Other
We want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning, that’s why we offer you at least one new article every single day.
“The first thing I think of in the morning is what is coming out of the ANUS,” said Herman Meltonstein, an elderly reader. “I want to sit down and see a big pile of celebrity gossip, and when I think of big piles of steamy gossip, I think of this website.”
We find pleasure in having something new come out of the ANUS every morning. In fact, we are up all night churning new material, just so you can squat down with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy our work. If you find just one nugget of pleasure, we feel we have done our job.
Windows Not a Virus
by admin on Mar.07, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire
Cupertino, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Symantec issued an apology to Microsoft yesterday after the security software maker’s AntiVirus Research Center issued an alert for a “widespread and lethal virus known to cause system crashes and data loss” that turned out to be the Windows 2000 operating system. Symantec CEO John Thompson called it a “regrettable but understandable” mistake
More Satire at www.satirewire.com.
BFE, Egypt Changes Name to New Cairo
by admin on Mar.06, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire
Feb 10, 2010 (BFE-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX)
The city of Bum Fucking, Egypt will now be known as the New Cairo, Egypt.
City council members approved a request Monday to change the name of the city, as an attempt to encourage a positive image for the area.
“We get a lot of visitors in BFE, but they never seem happy to be here. People are always like, ‘I got stuck in BFE when I made a wrong turn,’ “ said councilman Habib Muhammad. “We think this change will help the overall image. We also think people wouldn’t mind being lost in New Cairo. Getting stuck in BFE just doesn’t sound appealing.”
Cowell: ‘Chile Earthquake Not Bad Enough to Merit Charity Single’
by admin on Mar.05, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire
Pop mogul and X-factor judge Simon Cowell has announced that the devastation caused by last week’s earthquake in Chile has not yet proved horrible enough to justify the release of another banal and sentimental charity single.
Speaking after the latest auditions for Britain’s Got Talent, the multi-millionaire said that there has been no approach this time from Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who had previously asked Cowell to record a single highlighting the struggle in Haiti.
“We won’t be doing another single this time,” said the 50-year-old. “I don’t think that the British public would go for it, and more people have to die before we can get the likes of Robbie and Mariah to show any interest”.
“Maybe if the death toll rises to 100,000 we’ll consider it, but at the moment it doesn’t look likely,” he continued.
Other stars are said to be “apathetic” to performing another charity hit so soon after the hastily produced Haiti sessions, with singing sensation Susan Boyle taking time off for exhaustion.
However, in a desperate last attempt to raise awareness of her withering singing career, X-factor judge Danni Minogue insisted that she and fellow judge Louie Walsh are working on a non-specific earthquake-related song that would go on re-release every time a nation is ravaged by mother nature.
Laurence M. Brown
Funny Foto Friday – Flavor Flav Alive???
by admin on Mar.05, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire, Photoshop
Cougar in Harrison High School
by admin on Mar.04, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire
Harrison, NJ – Reports coming from students of Harrison High School indicate that there is a large female cougar somewhere within the school. Police, wildlife experts, and school staff have thus far been unable to locate the animal, but students of the school see this creature on a daily basis.
“This is an enigma to us,” said Vice Principal Bentley Lazer. “I have students telling me ‘Have you seen the cougar in the home economics class,’ but I haven’t see a single cat in the school. I will not rest until this animal is caught. It is a matter of our students’ safety!”
In a reported case from last Friday, three students followed the cougar into the teacher’s lounge. Although they were unharmed, one student claimed that he was “scared stiff” after watching the cougar for about an hour.
“I normally see the cougar in Home Economics,” said 10th grader Tommy Hilyard. “She stalks up and down the aisles of the class. She’s just a beautiful creature, and she appears ready to pounce.”
Despite an apparent trend, the Home Economics teacher, a 2002 graduate of Florida State University and former Miss Florida, Kate Olssen has never seen the animal in her classroom.
“I don’t know what those boys are talking about,” stated Miss Olssen. “They are always saying, ‘look at the cougar.’ Then they point under my desk. I crawl under the tables, looking for it, but I never see that thing. They hoot and holler, saying that it is a beautiful cat, but I have never seen the damned thing!”
Gary Busci Looks Better Than Ever
by admin on Mar.03, 2010, under A.N.U. Syndicate (ANUS) Satire, Photoshop
While Rip Torn and the corpse of Elvis Presley were his co-hosts, it was the stylish Gary Busci (seen left) who the masses waited to see last night at Hollywood Zombie Walk 2010. Gary definitely was worth the wait. Everything came to a halt in the Paris Theatre when he arrived, looking younger and more lifelike than ever. For Gary, he was stunning.
He looked amazing in a pale gray skin, collapsed eye, and the usual comforting grunts. Since officially becoming a zombie in 2010, Gary is one of the few people who seems more “normal” since becoming a zombie.
